Bitterness vs Love
They humiliated me.
They bullied me, maligned me, belittled me, slandered me, and treated me like a dog that lost its home.
They used friends and family to check up on me, and do their biddings.
They condemned me for being hurt & angry like I was not a human deserving feeling.
They forced me to drop out of university in my 3rd year…Without an apology for wasting my time and effort. Then humiliated and vilified me for choosing to drop out of university a second time, because I decided to live life for myself.
They said I should commit suicide so that their ‘problems’ end…like I was so useless and worthless of a human, not deserving of life; not deserving of love.
In all their careless talk and toxicity, I remained silent. For it is written,
‘Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.;’ — Proverbs 17:28 NIVIt’s funny how people will treat you how they want and expect you to be ‘Christian’ enough to show patience, mercy, and humility. To be the first to ask for forgiveness and move on as if nothing happened.
The time I needed help; I was the rug they rubbed dirty; the wall they punched with toxic words.
They claim I’m acting up. I’m revenging them by ignoring them or giving them the silent treatment. No!
I’m tired…I’m fed up with the smear campaigns, guilt-tripping, belittling, lies, and gaslighting.
It feels like I have to make sacrifices for people who don’t care about my life or feelings; people who display their acts-of-duty, but are betrayed by their lips…For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of…malice!
I remember writing this in April — it marked the end of the most painful season of my life. These words were an expression of the bitterness in the unspoken anger; the tears I cried; all the times I sought help, but no one could understand what I was experiencing. In fact, everyone I knew took their side — I was the “perpetrator”. I was judged, scrutinized, and labeled mentally insane, unloving, ungrateful, and heartless for choosing to separate myself from my toxic family.
There were many nights I stayed awake to pray and worship. Some nights I stayed awake battling depression and suicidal thoughts. I went on very long seasons of fasting — sleep, food & entertainment — to seek the face of God…I never left the house to see friends, go to church, or visit my own child.
Despite being anointed, and a conduit of God’s mysteries and counsel — I was desperate to heal.
After a tremendous amount of time, I spent researching and reading to help me navigate through the healing of my own trauma, It was then I realized — I inherited the role of the family scapegoat in a toxic family.
Today, I want to share with you my testimony, and the mystery God manifested in me. The mystery of the fruit of Love.
There are some battles God doesn’t remove but gives more grace to pass through for us to bear fruits. According to John 15:1–8, our interpretation of the sanctifying work that God accomplishes in our lives — especially during times of trial — is directly related to our understanding of pruning. We are His branches and, as such, are tended by the Gardener — which includes the intentional pain of pruning.
God prunes us by allowing certain painful circumstances to happen in our lives so that we will bear more fruits. He trains us in righteousness — and He does so motivated by love and commitment (Hebrews 12:6), we are the maturing sons of God. From my personal experience in spiritual matters — spirits (**including the Spirit of God) can’t force our will — God puts us in positions to choose what to harvest, and we can either bear fruits of bitterness or love.
Bitterness vs Love
Unforgiveness & Forgivenss are roots — hidden in us — but manifest as fruits.
Bitterness is the fruit of unforgiveness
Imagine a tree, can you see the roots? No.
The same can be said for unforgiveness. It’s a root that cannot be seen, hidden from view, but will eventually spring up and defiles you. A root of bitterness can result from a lack of grace, and unforgiveness, causing defilement and trouble(Hebrews 12:15–16). This is a poisonous root that bears gall and wormwood (Deut. 29:18) — Gall and wormwood, being poisonous, represent bitterness which likewise is poison to our system.
In life, we do have conflicts or traumatic events that scar us. Things do happen and words are spoken that require an attitude of forgiveness. But if we choose the position of defeat and let pride entice us to be unable to forgive — we get an unforgiving spirit. A person who harbors bitterness or anger against those who had hurt them — demons will have a legal right to continue to torment them. The things that happened fifty years ago are just as fresh as they were the minute they happened. The root of bitterness is kept alive and out of it comes the gall of bitterness.
Some of the fruits of bitterness manifesting in unforgiving people are destructive habits or impulses…unforgiving people who are deep in the “gall of bitterness” manifest impulses to do witchcraft and sorcery (Acts 8:23); envy and strife (James 3:14); resentment; sexual immorality; violence; sharp and bitter words (Psalms 64:3). Other fruits of bitterness can manifest through sickness, cancer, arthritis, and rheumatism (**rheumatic diseases affect your joints tendons, ligaments, bones, and muscles).
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” — Proverbs 17:22
Based on this verse, if we continue to harbor bitterness the spirits of infirmity will have a legal right to enter and operate in our life — to destroy our bone marrow and kill us progressively. It is scientifically proven that 95% of blood cells are made in the bone marrow. Moreover, healthy bones must receive adequate moisture from the marrow to keep them from becoming dry and brittle causing them to easily break(Job 21:24). So the spirits of infirmity work by destroying the marrow. It begins to manifest as progressive killer diseases such as arthritis, bone-related cancer, and serious blood diseases such as leukemia.
Love is the fruit of forgiveness
My friends, God prunes us so that we will glorify Him — forgiveness glorifies Him because He is love (1 John 4:7–21). Jesus says, “By this is My father glorified, that you bear much fruit”(John 15:8). To glorify means to magnify, enlarge, and draw attention — so, God can only find expression in love, and anyone who does not love does not know God.
Henri Nouwen describes the connection of our being loved to our ability to forgive:
“The greatest human act is forgiveness: ‘Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who have sinned against us.’ Forgiveness stands in the center of God’s love for us and also in the center of our love for each other. Loving one another means forgiving one another over and over again.”
When Holy Spirit was pruning the fruit of love in my painful season — I had to choose between bitterness and love.
Despite my relationship with the Lord, I chose unforgiveness out of ‘self-preservation’ — and paid the price of remaining tormented. This false sense of self-preservation — which I thought was protecting me — was actually pride and unforgiveness enticing me to feel stuck in the valley of pain.
Eventually, I got out of the valley through the wise counsel of the Holy Spirit and good friends — I decided to submit under the lordship of Christ Jesus, and let the Spirit of God work in me forgiveness for love to find expression in my spirit, soul, and flesh.
How did I heal from bitterness?
Listen, loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with that person, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. From my experience — a reconciliation that is not led by the Holy Spirit, in many cases, only sets us up for more abuse…bullies will be bullies!
The first step is to detach yourself from the toxic person or people— this is a form of self-protection. Some relationships are so poisonous that they destroy our ability to be healthy — spiritually, mentally, or physically. When we put closure to these relationships or pasts, we give ourselves the space to love our toxic family members(**or whoever) from a distance as fellow human beings and we do not wish harm upon them. We simply have the knowledge and experience to know it is unwise to remain connected with them.
“He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.” — Proverbs 13:20
Accept your fate and give thanks to God for the separation, or isolation — rather than going back to the vicious cycle of endless false promises of “bygones” and repeated psycho-emotional abuse.
You don’t need a clinical psychologist to diagnose a person toxic for you to find validation of what your experiencing—one of the people that accused me of being mentally unstable was a doctor. See, well-meaning friends or relatives can get it wrong and unconsciously become enablers of emotional abuse. Please understand, it is not their fault…they are slaves or flying monkeys in the grand scheme of the toxic person’s manipulations.
Toxic people are experts at concealing their abusive behaviors just slightly under the public radar so that when you complain about the hurt they have made you feel, your complaints will fall on deaf ears. You can’t underestimate their level of slyness — toxic people will always walk away looking innocent and unfairly accused while you will appear emotionally unstable. If you have been the target of intentionally malicious ‘smear’ campaigns, you will be familiar with the name-calling. They said “you're mad,” or “you're a liar,”…In all their accusations, it doesn’t matter who said what— what matters is what the Lord says.
Secondly, healing starts with learning to transition from a place of anger to a place of understanding — which is a hard process and requires you to take a step back to learn. There is a saying, “trauma often begets trauma”. Most toxic parents who persistently psycho-emotional abuse their children, were likely also mistreated. As a matter of fact, toxic parents who emotionally abuse their children, do it to regulate their own negative emotions. Trauma is a very vicious cycle — if left unchecked, it can move from one generation to the other.
Bitterness will kill you! literally...spiritual, mental, and physical death.
If you are a victim of emotional abuse, to break this cycle you must first acknowledge your parents not only as neglectful or hostile but as ill-equipped to create the kind of family environment that fosters confidence and secure attachments. Then take time to walk through your negative emotions, and traumatic experiences, either with a friend, pastor, or counselor or in a journal…or a series of prayers… in each conversation reflect on the positive aspects God put in you — if nurtured properly.
Finally, forgiveness thrives when you reach a place of acceptance — by completely abandoning the idea of “accountability”. A toxic person cannot take accountability for how they treated you, because they are in denial of the ways in which they treat or harm you. Some toxic people lack empathy — which essentially means a lack of conscience — and irrespective of the evidence manifested in your emotions, they may not even realize they are hurting you half the time — they’re not conscious of it. The most significant part of your healing will come in accepting that not reconciling with certain people is the will of God and a part of life.
Most importantly, acceptance is forgiving them — not for their sake, but because God commanded us to forgive others because we are all sinners (Romans 3:23). We must forgive everybody even if they are abusive, hateful, or vindictive towards us…
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” — Matthew 6:14–15
This verse teaches us that by forgiving the people who hurt us, we free ourselves from the burden of anger, bitterness, and hatred. I also believe, by forgiving others we free ourselves from the burden of a wounded spirit(Proverbs 18:14) and prepare ourselves for eternal life.
Summary
- Protect yourself by Detaching emotionally or physically.
- Build yourself up by gaining knowledge and understanding.
- Reach a place of acceptance.
Excerpt from journal entry 09/04/2022
