Understanding Love: A Letter To Fatherless Daughters
“When a father doesn’t give his daughter the attention and love she craves, her need for male acceptance is bottomless.” — Maura Preszler
The only legacy my father passed on to me was being the vessel through which I came into being and his financial support. I am profoundly grateful for his firm belief that men have a moral obligation to provide for their families. Because of this conviction, I witnessed him work tirelessly for over 25 years to ensure a comfortable lifestyle for us; never lacking anything. Beyond this, however, I don’t have much to say about the man.
My dad was absent from my life for 90% of the time — not physically, but emotionally. For many years, I believed that this was what it meant to be a father. I thought fathers should prioritize providing material things and their careers over their children, avoid emotional conversations, and withhold or deny affection, approval, or positive regard. I even believed that fathers were to be feared.
You might be thinking, “Why is she criticizing her father?” Listen, all I am telling you is that despite all the years I spent around him, I still don’t know him. It’s like the disciples of Jesus who walked with Him for years but still asked about God the Father as if they never truly knew who He was, despite encountering Him face-to-face.
I speak a profound mystery, one that only Jesus can explain better in John 8:19 (MSG): “‘Where is this so-called Father of yours?’ Jesus said, ‘You’re looking right at me and you don’t see me. How do you expect to see the Father? If you knew me, you would at the same time know the Father.’”
𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒏𝒇𝒐𝒓𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒕?
Yesterday was my father’s birthday. Our relationship is so disconnected that it felt unnatural to send him a message. So, last night, as I was worshiping, the Holy Spirit softly whispered in my ear, “A heart of gratitude has no room for complaining. It is impossible to be truly thankful and filled with negativity and ungratefulness…” At that moment, I was filled with the Spirit of thanksgiving, unlocking the profound revelation written in 1 Thessalonians 5:18: “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Imagine, it took over 30 years of being overlooked by the first man in my life, seeking father figures in failed romantic relationships, struggling with abandonment issues, fearing rejection from men, battling feelings of insecurity, and fighting emotional neediness…Spending countless days chasing the ‘perfect’ father fantasy I had built in my mind, refusing to accept anything less from any man who couldn’t measure up to that ideal. Only to realize, that everything I had gone through boiled down to my desperate longing for my Father in Heaven. Satan, sensing this, sought to cloud the image of fatherhood (Ephesians 4:18).
𝑫𝒐𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒂𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒂𝒓 𝒕𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖?
In 1 Peter 2:9, it is declared that “He has called us out of darkness into His marvelous light.” Here, darkness signifies ignorance, not stupidity, but simply lacking knowledge in a specific area. God calls us out of ignorance into knowledge, and this knowledge is why the title is dubbed, “Understanding Love.” God the Father desires us to know Him as love, as written in 1 John 4:8: “God is love.”
When a girl grows up without the consistent presence of an elder male father-like figure, she often internalizes feelings of unworthiness. She may believe she’s unworthy of love because she has never experienced the love of a father. Even when physically present, a father can still be emotionally distant, especially when he neglects their emotional connections. This immense void in his daily presence brings with it an absence of masculine-energy guidance, acceptance, and compassion. This emotional unavailability deepens her ignorance about love and can have lasting effects on her sense of self-worth.
“They are darkened in their understanding[as in they had no understanding since the knowledge of the truth was compromised]…because of the ignorance that is in them.” — Ephesians 4:18
Moreover, when a girl grows up seeing him but he is not truly “present” in her life, she often normalizes this reality in all her relationships, including her relationship with God. For example, for a long time, I struggled to accept some of God’s promises like, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Deuteronomy 31:6). Despite meditating on them, I often interpreted them as false hopes.
With this in mind, the Holy Spirit brought to my attention that deep-seated rejection or abandonment issues can hinder even the most devoted Christian woman from experiencing the abiding presence of the ever-present God…𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘈𝘣𝘣𝘢 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, 𝘏𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩!
“If we say we have fellowship with Him while we walk in darkness[ignorance], we lie and do not practice the truth” — John 3:19
It’s often said that you only come to understand the ways of your elders as you mature and experience life. However, I believe that true discernment comes from godly wisdom, which enables us to make sense of people and the inner workings of life. So, one enduring truth stands the test of time:
“𝑨 𝒘𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒂 𝒇𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓’𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒔 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉.”
When you don’t know love, discerning genuine love from false love becomes difficult (1 John 4:7–21). This ignorance allows Satan to exploit your vulnerability and rob you of your first love. It’s why you may find yourself ensnared by Satan’s counterfeit love. However, such love only breeds discontentment because it never satisfies.
𝑯𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒇 𝒖𝒏𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒇𝒊𝒍𝒍𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕 𝒊𝒏 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒓𝒆 𝒊𝒏?
𝘏𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶…I hear the Lord Jesus Christ calling all fatherless daughters, as He did the church in Ephesus, to return to their first love for Him, He is calling them to return to their first longing and desire for Him — to induce that thirst again.
“As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.” — Psalm 42:1
